To Be

You look out at the world

as you go through your day

in between what busies you

when you’re not feeling okay

because that’s the time your free

nothing reinforcing the confidence

of the continuity you see

you have a brief insight to the night

and the challenge to be

 

To be to be

to see inside the “me”

the guardian at the door

to the all encompassing “I”

to be to be

it calls you every moment

but it’s easy to overlook it

and think the other way.

 

It’s awfully hard

to be present in your mind

with all the brain chatter there

peace is hard to find

it takes a life threatening event

when you’re near the point of death

to make you realize that

you’re more than physical

and you’re on a special path.

 

Refrain

 

I had a certain disposition

I was skilled to circumvent the “real”

and space out, if you will,

and make the nonsense real

they told me not to dream

but the A.D.D. I had

said there’s something you should see

and it’s really not so bad

 

Refrain

 

In my mind I jumped down the rabbit hole

with little use of any recreational drugs

it seemed scary but I let myself go and

fell through past the spiders and the bugs

it’s a way of letting go

I was predisposed to enjoy

it’s a strange little tool

that I thought was pretty cool

I learned to use when I was a boy.

 

Refrain

 

Adolescence was a hard time

Acquiescing to the rule

that you’ve got to please your peers

so that people think you’re cool

but unless I came across

a friend who shared my dream

I stayed inside to guard my pride and

repeat the crystal seam.

 

Refrain

 

I joined the Moonies

before the age of 20

out of loneliness and fear

being away from home

a cancer with no hope of a career.

the theology was convincing

the messiah came to save us all

they sheltered me inexplicably

but I never was to hear:

 

Refrain

 

It seemed the place to hang my hat

in a church where devotion is key

to bow before a man

whose life was a paradox, literally

I spent my youth going

where they told me

in and out of many places

where they were

but I hadn’t quite the drive

to make it my life

so I followed where I’d hope it would lead me.

 

Refrain

 

Ultimately, it was hard

to keep up with the procession

of debts to be paid through this man

we would finish one condition and

recall the true contrition that laid

many more debts, past due by this plan.

 

Refrain

 

My mind was so confused

at the cacophony of debts

past due, unpaid, half imagined and mistaken

imprisoned by the guilt

an invisible fence we had built

to conceive of all his

had my head shaken

 

Refrain

 

But, one day at the seminary

I attended at my fortune,

I found a doctrine that would help

set me free and give me back that portion

of power I had given to him

above what I had known

It seemed to me to be

the key to release me

from his throne.

 

Refrain

 

An often taught truth

defining the manner in which God created

He imbued human beings

with male and female

as He did all of the creation.

So, I took this to it’s fullest extent

toward the most remote point of its conclusion

and I let Divine Principle

open he door to escape it’s foregone illusion.

 

Refrain

 

I put the question forward

to explore the thesis further

spent countless hours in the library

digging through relevant material

I let myself be guided

by my logical mind wherein

it is said there are many paths

to God to search for answers within.

 

Refrain

 

But, although this seemed to entice me

I never expected this search to involve

my mind, the rational part

of my brain

the tool with which to solve

the baser empirical knowledge

not the more subtle

spiritual truths, No,

but it was or it seemed to be.

 

Refrain

 

It didn’t really matter

doing the research was so much fun

finding relevant material that took me

deeper into my soul

Although, never intending that

to be the goal

giving over and into my rational mind

freed me up to fill

my thirsty mind

which when quenched would

reactivate the connection

to my soul and set a new goal

 

Refrain

 

And then a light went on

and pointed the way

the divine sacred feminine

the seat of knowledge

welcomed me into her home.

“Come away from the confusion

I am the muse you have known

but didn’t know where

it is time to break free

from what you once thought

was true and feel a freedom so fair.

You will need strength

to go within for soon

you will be void of belief

but if you stay the course

and let go of the moorings

logic’s leadership will guide

to knowledge’s relief.”

 

Refrain

 

So, it was thesis’ helpful guidance

through my inquisitive mind

and the hands with which

I typled the paper that

let it be refined

but, it was also through therapy

that I learned about the

shame that bound me in

past childhood trauma

unimaginable paralyzing conundrum

of seemingly harmless jibes

from my mother that

deprived me of my voice.

 

Refrain

 

Muscle testing to get answers

from my body’s biocomputer

yes or no answers to lead

my facilitator to make

accurate conclusions and diagnosis.

but what was to push me over

the edge and get me serious

about my path was a

visit to my accupuncturist one day.

 

Refrain

 

A summer day in 2004

as I sat upon the massage table

He said, “what can I do for you today?” I said, “I’d like

to access my Higher Self.”

This did not seem to

surprise him thougha

request to heal anything

other than a physical ill

but I felt the need to

brave the unexpected

and be specific about a

nagging curiosity.

How do I become spiritual?

what is the higher self?

the idea seemed to be

more plentiful in books

I read than my

actual experience.

So he referenced the

appropriate books and

came back with a cache of

needles and proceded to

implement the thousand year old medical practice

in hopes of stimulating the

chi energy to provide me the

path I sought.

 

Refrain

 

Like any other treatment

it was over in a while

I rested for a bit and he

returned with a subtle smile

I thanked him for his service

left his office to return to

my car

and returned home

a half hour later one of

my few journey’s that wasn’t far.

 

Refrain

 

Days later as I was mowing the lawn

it came upon me still

an epiphany, a gentle knowing

a gentle whisper and a Will

filling me with wonder

as I awakened to my soul

nothing has ever made

me this clear, reknownst and bold.

 

Refrain

 

To begin again with new purpose

and take my purpose in my hands

explore the depths of eternity

stir the winds, the water and the sands

The sand of time shall hold me not

I’m free of them today.

Free to be more than my body

free of entropy’s decay.

 

As always I welcome your comments, whatever they are.

 

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